August 15, 2021
Dear Mr. Craig,
We were pleased to be your travel experience of choice on your Saturday, August 8, BigBlue flight to Orlando. We admit the flight might have been unanticipated by you when on the prior day, August 7, you were seated comfortably on flight #931 for Tampa awaiting takeoff when you and your seatmate, Mrs. Craig, were surprised by a very loud BANG! The BANG was preceded by an announcement from the silver-haired, trustworthy co-pilot, who informed passengers that flight #931 was the inaugural flight of your aircraft. It is true that the flight attendants expressed surprise when the galley door on the fabulous A320 blew open and the escape chute ejected out to the tarmac. We apologize for their shouts, not approved in the BigBlue speech manual: “What was that?” and “What the hell?”
We admit the sight of a giant pool float hanging off the side of the A220 was not reassuring. But you needn’t have feared danger to your lives. You weren’t airborne, were you?
Please note that you were able to retrieve your bags from the carousel and were not harmed in the melee that ensued when the 200 passengers from your flight scrapped with two other flights for carousel rights. Since BigBlue had no replacement A320 loitering about at Logan we gave you and your co-passengers your very own ticket agent for processing 150 re-bookings. You got in a snit when told the next available flight to Tampa would depart Monday, August 10, three days away. You kvetched about paying for 3 nights in a Boston hotel. You moaned about our compensation, a fair – nay, generous – $100 credit for BigBlue flights within the next twelve months. Be aware the clock is now ticking. Frankly, our ticket agent felt he was the victim of a micro-aggression by the two of you. Again, as to compensation, had we given you cash, you would likely have squandered it on Mai Tais at the Hilton Garden Inn where you spent Friday night (and were double billed for the room, but that is another story, sorry about that).
Luckily, our crack agent was able to book you on the flight to Orlando late the next day. Although reference to a state map shows Orlando not actually adjacent to Tampa when you look at it from a global perspective, it is on the same peninsula. God created Budget Rental Cars for such an eventuality.
Surely you would admit that the drive from Orlando to Tampa on I-4 at cocktail hour is an experience not to be missed. You got to view the bumper stickers on the Kia SUV in front of you – “My Child is an Honor Student at Rick Scott Elementary” next to a Punishers Skull – for 84 miles, joining the festering masses creeping westward.
To show that BigBlue has your back, we are making you members of our newest membership club – Rabble – way below our premier Influencers but just below our slightly less wonderful Lemmings. As Rabble members you will be given “firsties” on the restroom, provided Influencers and Lemmings have emptied their bladders. You will also be allowed to ask for a second snack.
Thank you for traveling with BigBlue! An irritating survey is attached.
Customer Happiness Specialist
Two Friendly Plaza
Throggs Neck, NY 11101